Good Commons

Creating Healthy Boundaries

The work of releasing my childhood conditioning continues.  Every day, moment or year we all have the opportunity to peel off another layer of the onion of our internal framework to reach the heart of matters of the psyche.  We can heal and release the behaviors and expectations that poison and restrain us so that we may experience more of the available happiness.  We often think this looks like an internal taking of clothes off. But sometimes it is putting up a shield to behaviors that are hurtful to us.  To say ‘no’ to that which disrespects us, is saying yes to life from a healed place and a place of self respect.  Also, when we demonstrate self respect we are not simply strengthening our internal fabric. We also are presenting a peak in the mirror to those offering hurtful actions.  Now, they may have strong words of aggression about this mirror or they may reject it all together.  Their response is telling but our job is to respect the self.
Pema Chodron has a great excerpt on compassion and healthy boundaries from her book, “The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times:”

“Compassion doesn’t only imply trying to be good. When we find ourselves 
in an aggressive relationship, we need to set clear boundaries. The kindest 
thing we can do for everyone concerned is to know when to say ‘enough.’ 
Many people use Buddhist ideals to justify self-debasement. In the name of 
not shutting our heart we let people walk all over us.”

The thing I have struggled with is that I can set a boundary in a nice deep conversation, but it is hard to reinforce it in the everyday, every time it pops up.  I just want to go about my happy day and also I don’t always possess the bandwidth for doing deep work every moment.  Yet we need to make moments for this work. 

Some of us set a therapy appointment for it.  Some of us do this therapy on the yoga mat or at the gym.  We just all need to remember that when we are relating to other people, we need to spend time clearing the relationship issues on the regular.  My experience is that build up is toxic.  Look into it, share it and let it go on the regular Good Commoners!

Good Commons
Tesha Buss
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